u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize