I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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