Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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