i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
