Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
