i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
