I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I smell stomach acid.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize