beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
