If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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