my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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