We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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