Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
