On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
