my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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