I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
