I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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