My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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