So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
