I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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