around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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