Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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