We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize