I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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