his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
