Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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