if i can run in heels then i can drive
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
