i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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