Don't make out with my wife yet
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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