dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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