You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
