I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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