a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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