So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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