so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
