I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
