my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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