On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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