3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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