im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
