I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
