The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
