I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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