I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
