Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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