My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
