Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
