I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
