i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
