i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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