i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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