I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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