If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
