Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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