I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize