Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
