when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
