I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Vodka?
Forever.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
