Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
