Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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