I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
