Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
