i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i wish my penis had a tongue
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
