I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize