you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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